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Choosing to co-habit with a partner is a big decision. Whether you’ve been a couple for a few months or several years, moving in together can change the relationship for better or worse. So, when do you know it’s the right time to make that next step – and how can you set yourself up for success?
This week’s reader, Lucy writes in: “Cohabitation is very common in today’s world. I always wanted to know if there’s a checklist of things and expectations that partners should discuss before moving in.”
When do you know you’re ready to move in with your partner?
Counselling Directory member Mary Aaron thinks you’re ready to move in with your partner when you know what you’re looking for from the relationship.
“Are you happy to merge your life, share your space, and maybe go to bed at the same time? Up at the same time? Only have sex with that one person?” she asks.
“How do you share the bills, housework, and decisions on where to live? Are you happy merging your friends and your family? Are you happy maybe not seeing friends as much? Do you know if they have secrets in the family? Do you have secrets in your family? How do you both handle conflict?”
These are the sorts of questions you need to ask yourself – and each other.
How much does a relationship change once you live together?
According to life coach Sian Winslade. a lot can shift once you start co-habiting. So it’s important to build a strong core to the relationship to weather those changes.
“The things that you might have been able to hide while you were not living together become very apparent when you do. The likelihood is that some of the excitement will disappear,” she says.
“You get to see all your partner’s habits, good, and bad. Whether that be snoring, leaving the toilet seat lid up, or generally being messy. You have to compromise on things such as the temperature that you like the room, the times you like to eat, the times you like to go to bed, the style of furniture you like.”
The important thing is that you’re able to talk these things through.
So, what should a couple discuss before moving in together?
The things a couple needs to be able to communicate on range from the practical to the personal, says Winslade.
“Things like how bills are going to be shared. How are the chores going to be shared – cooking cleaning – who does what? Do either of them have pets and, if so, what are the rules around care: walking the dog, feeding the fish?”
Then there’s how you each choose to spend your time and structure your days and how can build a joint routine that works for you? “What things can they do together – maybe watching a movie – and what things can they do separately, such as reading a book or gaming?” asks Winslade. How will you socialise?
And finally, she says, “They should discuss what bedtime routines look like: is it important that they go to bed together, or are they ok going at separate times.”
Because at the end of the day – literally in this case – happy co-habitation is all about compromise and communication.
Love Stuck is for those who’ve hit a romantic wall, whether you’re single or have been coupled up for decades. With the help of trained sex and relationship therapists, HuffPost UK will help answer your dilemmas. Submit a question here.
Rebecca Zisser/HuffPost UK
